Harry Potter and the Prophecy of the Golden Monkey
by Katameran
Summary: This is not a 'prophecy dun dun dun' fic, even though that's what it's called. It's making fun of, oh, everything, therefore a parody. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not as sick as I seem. Just...read and review no matter what you think of it.
1. The golden monkey

Disclaimer/AN: I own nothing except for my dayglow silly putty. And the golden monkey. And actually, I think I have some crackers. But don't sue me because I can't give you the monkey and I won't give you my silly putty, so all you'll get is crackers, and you can buy those in Safeway. Oh, at the end of the story, it says 'stay tuned for part two blah blah'. Well, I don't know if there will BE a part two. I don't know why there is a part one. Be sure to review so you can smack me…maybe someday I'll make it back to reality.  
  
  
  
The Prophecy of the Golden Monkey (dun dun dun!)  
  
  
  
"Harry! Over here!"  
  
Harry Potter looked around the crowded station. Then he saw Hermione Granger waving frantically at him from a crowd of muggles. He turned the cart he was pushing and headed her way.  
  
"Hey, Harry, how was your summer?" Ron asked.  
  
"Not too great. Dudley's diet worked. He lost all that weight in just one year, and he worked out too or something, because now he's buff."  
  
"And tan…" Hermione murmured, looking over Harry's shoulder.  
  
"What? Hermione! Stop that!" Harry snapped, glaring at Dudley.  
  
"Sorry." Hermione said, tearing her eyes away from Dudley. "Let's go get onto the platform."  
  
The trio pushed their carts at the barrier, all breaking through at once. Ahead of them, the train let out plumes of steam, as it sat, impatient to take them all back to Hogwarts.  
  
"Dude," Ron said, glancing up, "this narrator is crazy. Doesn't she know that trains are inanimate?" He suddenly fell to the ground as a golden monkey dove from the sky. It jumped around him angrily, berating him and throwing cubes of cheese, until it disappeared with a popping noise.  
  
"Wow. Guess you shouldn't piss off the narrator." Hermione said, keeping her eyes on the ground.  
  
"Let's just get on the train." Harry said, helping Ron to his feet.  
  
The group worked together to get everyone's luggage stored away and then sat down. With a shriek and a rumble, the train began to move.  
  
"Wow," Ron said, "the train is moving!"  
  
"Yeah, it usually does," Hermione told him.  
  
The door slid open, and Ginny Weasley came in, followed by Draco. Ginny was holding one hand to her stomach. She sat down next to Harry and whispered something in his ear. His eyes grew wide and he jumped up.  
  
"You are? Oh no, Ginny, I don't know – "  
  
"Shhh!" Ginny hissed. "I don't know if it's you or Draco!"  
  
"WHAT?" Harry roared. "The father of your kid is either me or MALFOY?"  
  
"Well," Ginny said thoughtfully, "I suppose it could be Ron,"  
  
There was a slight thump. Everyone looked to see Hermione hit the floor as she passed out.  
  
"Hermione…" Draco breathed. He rushed forward, knelt down, and cradled her head in his arms. She murmured as she came to quickly.  
  
"Are you all right?" Draco asked gently.  
  
"Draco? But – "  
  
"No." Draco interrupted. "Don't speak. It is my turn. I have loved you since our first year. I have held my desire inside all these years. Now it is time for it to come out."  
  
They all heard another slight thump and turned to see Ron hit the floor as he passed out.  
  
"Ron!" Hermione shrieked. She jumped to her feet, pushing Draco away. "Oh, Ron, don't be hurt!" She flung her arms around his neck, trying to get him to come back.  
  
Harry glared at Draco. "You mean to tell me you might be the father of Ginny's baby, yet you really love Hermione?"  
  
"Yeah? So?" Draco asked, with an indifferent shrug. Ginny's face crumpled.  
  
"You know, Draco, I'm starting to think something that I shouldn't even be thinking," Harry said, sounding dangerous. Draco looked up. Ginny's face shone with happiness.  
  
"I'm beginning to think you're right." Harry said firmly. "I mean, who cares if either of us is the father? Hermione is a much better choice."  
  
"Yeah, she really is. But right now Ron's got her…" Draco said, his voice trailing off as he watched Ron and Hermione.  
  
"You're right. Hey!" Harry brightened. "I just remembered that I used a condom! I couldn't have been the father!"  
  
"A condom…are those those things?" Draco asked.  
  
"Probably, " Harry said vaguely.  
  
"Oh, well, then I'm not the father." Draco said happily.  
  
"Good." Harry pushed Ron away from Hermione. Her head hit the floor with a clunk.  
  
"Ron, you're the father of your sister's baby, now go deal with that."  
  
"But…but…" Ron stammered.  
  
"No. We love Hermione." Draco told him.  
  
"How are we going to do this?" Harry asked.  
  
"We could share…" Draco said thoughtfully.  
  
"You're the son of a death eater, therefore you don't share." Harry told him firmly.  
  
"Oh yeah, that's right. I can't be in love with a mud-blood anyway, dad would kill me." Draco looked positively crestfallen.  
  
"Oh well, guess she's mine then." Harry picked up Hermione's head and put it on his lap.  
  
"Guess so." Malfoy said, walking out the door.  
  
A golden monkey scampered into the compartment, sat down, and ate a piece of cheese.  
  
Ron screamed.  
  
Hermione woke up with a jump. "Harry!" She said, seeing the golden monkey and sitting straight up. "It's a golden monkey! Do you know what that means?"  
  
"…No…" Harry told her.  
  
"It must be a prophecy! You have a twin sister!"  
  
Just then, the compartment door opened, and the golden monkey screamed happily and threw crackers…  
  
Stay tuned for part two: Enter Mary Sue 


	2. Enter Mary Sue...and Gary, too.

A/N: I said I wasn't sure if there would be a part two. Well, here it is, and I apologize once again. I really don't know what's wrong with me…you should review so you can yell at me *smiles charmingly* Oh and in case anyone wants to sue, I don't own Harry or Ginny or Ron, or the train, or…yeah. Don't sue. It'll make things better.  
  
  
  
  
  
Enter Mary Sue  
  
  
  
The door opened. A girl with long, shiny, wavy red hair stepped in. She wore glittery jeans and a tight black tank top that showed off her amazing figure. Her full, red lips curved into a smile as she saw them, her deep green eyes positively glowing with warmth and innocence.  
  
"Hi! I'm Stellar Evans."  
  
"Stellar?" Hermione asked from where she was comfortable in her new love's arms.  
  
"Evans?" Harry asked, from where he was comfortable in his new love's arms.  
  
"Hi…" Ron said with a slightly dopey grin.  
  
"Ron, stop it, you look like a dwarf." Hermione said.  
  
"I what?"  
  
"Quit staring at her beautiful eyes and go back to your sister." Harry said.  
  
"Hey, I just ran into this real dick out in the hallway. He looked at me so I karate-chopped him with my superior martial arts skills. He's dead now."  
  
"Oh good." Harry said. "He's my competition."  
  
"For what?" Stellar asked.  
  
"For Hermione. She's just so hot I can't bear to let another guy have her!"  
  
"What about him? Isn't he competing?" Stellar asked, pointing at Ron.  
  
"No, he impregnated his sister so he's dealing with that."  
  
Ron turned bright red and scuffed his foot on the floor.  
  
"Don't worry Ron," Stellar said, kneeling in front of him, "I won't judge you. Even though there's the deal with incest and you're poor."  
  
"How did you know I'm poor?" Ron asked, turning even more red, mostly because her cleavage was about three inches from his eyes.  
  
"The monkey told me."  
  
"What monkey?" Harry, Hermione and Ron all asked together.  
  
"The one sitting over there with the cheese. It came to me in a dream and said 'cheeeeeeeeese is goooooooooooooood…you have a twin brother named Harry…Ron is poooooooooooooor…eat cheeeeeeeeeese…' and so I transferred here."  
  
"You have a twin brother named Harry?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Yeah, somewhere. Harry…Potsomething…"  
  
"Wow, that's weird, because the golden monkey is a sign that Harry has a twin sister!" Hermione said.  
  
"How do you know?" Stellar asked.  
  
"Has no one but me read Hogwarts, a History?" Hermione asked frustratedly.  
  
Just then Ginny sat up. "Ron, is it true that you're the father of my baby?"  
  
"Yes, Gin, I think so."  
  
"Oh, Ron!" Ginny's face melted.  
  
"Ew, gross!" Ron said.  
  
A rock fell from the ceiling and hit Ron on the head.  
  
"Ow!" Ron said. He picked up the rock. There was a note tied to it. He opened it.  
  
Dear stupid moron:  
  
When I said her face melted, I meant CRUMPLED, not melted as in ooze! Now get over it! There's more of this story to tell!  
  
"Oh." Ron said. He paused. "Ginny, don't cry."  
  
"I'm not crying, Ron, I'm so happy it's you! Everyone wants to kill Harry because of that dorky scar on his forehead and Draco, well, he's hot, but now he's dead because of Stardust or whatever her name is."  
  
An owl came gliding into the compartment through the window, bringing with it an immense quantity of broken glass and lacerations. When everyone had been stitched up, they took the letter off the owl's leg.  
  
Her name is Stellar, not Stardust. I have an extremely fat sheep that goes by the name of Stardust…and Ginny, do you know the true definition of dork? If not, here it is…a dork is the male  
  
- Hermione skipped over this part to preserve the innocence of Stellar -  
  
Hey, come to think of it, I have an extremely fat sheep that goes by the name of Stellar too! Wow! Crazy!  
  
"What is wrong with her?" Stellar asked, looking frustratedly at the ceiling. She jumped in surprise when everyone screamed at her not to.  
  
"What?"  
  
"She just might drop a SHEEP on you!" Ron said urgently. "She gets really cranky sometimes…"  
  
"Maybe she should take her Midol," said a dark voice from the doorway. Everyone turned to look.  
  
Standing in the doorway was a boy dressed in black baggy jeans and a black muscle shirt. He had black spiky hair and really dark eyes.  
  
"I'm Rage. Don't talk to me because I'm a broody male."  
  
"Oh, hi Rage," Stellar said with a wave of her hand. "That's just my adopted brother. He's dark."  
  
The monkey screamed and jumped up and down and pointed at rage.  
  
"He wants to know what you want out of life." Hermione said seriously.  
  
"Darkness." Rage said in his deep voice.  
  
"What?" Ron said.  
  
"Darkness." Rage repeated.  
  
"What?" Ginny said.  
  
"Darkness." Rage said again.  
  
"What?" Harry said.  
  
With a loud bleat a sheep came charging into the room and knocked Stellar over. There was a note tied around its neck. Stellar picked it up and unfolded it.  
  
"Wow, it's in Azerbaijanian, but I can read that so it's ok." Stellar said confidently, flashing them the most brilliant smile any of them had ever seen.  
  
"It says…'God damnit he said darkness so darkness is what he wants get on with your lives already!" She smiled at them again. Just then the door opened and…  
  
  
  
Mwahahaha a cliffy! Not really. But that's ok. Thank all of you for your gorgeous reviews, they were muchly appreciated! Maybe I'll write about who enters. Maybe not. Hehehehe, you never know. Until next time…  
  
~Katameran 


	3. In which the cursed monkey dies and the ...

A/N: Hi. It's me, Katameran, and I just wrote the third chapter to a story that I don't think I should have written in the first place. I would just like to say that machete-bearing penguins are an everyday occurrence in my school…our librarian is one.  
  
  
  
The door opened and in marched a giant penguin carrying a machete.  
  
"Dear God, what is that thing?" Harry asked.  
  
Hermione jumped and down and turned orange. "It's a giant penguin carrying a machete! I wish you would read Hogwarts, A History!"  
  
"Oh." Everyone else said. Then they sat there and screamed as the penguin marched across the compartment and did away with the golden monkey.  
  
"HE WAS MY FRIEND THAT'S WHY HE'S DEAD!" Harry screamed hysterically.  
  
"No, no, that's not it." Stellar said, rushing over to sit by him and pat the back of his hand.  
  
"WHY NOT?" Harry screamed even more hysterically.  
  
"Because, well, he wasn't really your friend." Stellar told him.  
  
"Oh. You're right." Harry said.  
  
"I know." Stellar said.  
  
The penguin climbed up to the dead monkey's spot and held his machete like a scepter.  
  
Then the door opened. Draco Malfoy walked in.  
  
"I thought I taught you your lesson!" Stellar growled. Even her growl was sexy.  
  
"What? I walked by you and you made me go unconscious!" Draco said angrily.  
  
"You're a meany-head!" Stellar said, stomping her foot.  
  
"I'm a what?"  
  
"I would like to call you another word, but the author rated this story PG and doesn't wish to change the rating." Stellar explained.  
  
"Oh." Draco said. "Well, I just came in here to see if I left my violin."  
  
"You play the violin?" Hermione asked, sitting up.  
  
"Yes. I know that it will show that I have a compassionate, gentle, humane side and that it will make you think that maybe I am not such a bad person, and that I've really changed."  
  
"Have you?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Yes. I hate my father even though I idolize him and believe in all the same things he does."  
  
"Like Voldemort?" Harry asked, eyes narrowing.  
  
"No, like rainbows and reincarnation." Draco said.  
  
"Really?" Harry asked.  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Hermione…" Harry said, "did I ever tell you that I play the bassoon?  
  
Just then, the penguin blew up an Imac with its eyes and waved its machete threateningly.  
  
"Oh, Lord, No!" Hermione screamed. "It's going to try to blow up a computer!"  
  
Everyone looked at her.  
  
"Hermione," Stellar said, "it just did that."  
  
"Oh, I knew that." Hermione said. "I just wondered if you did."  
  
"You are all pathetic." Rage said from where he was sitting sullenly in the corner.  
  
"Why are we pathetic?" Ron asked angrily, turning purple and clenching his fists.  
  
"Because you are HAPPY. Normal people aren't HAPPY. They are DARK. Like ME. Even though I'm a complete nonconformist."  
  
"That's stupid." Harry said.  
  
"I hate you." Rage said.  
  
"Oh, Rage, don't be so dark." Stellar said with a laugh. Suddenly her eyes grew wide and she fell over onto the floor and began thrashing around.  
  
"OH MY GOD WHAT IS SHE DOING?" Hermione screamed.  
  
"I DON'T KNOW!" Harry screamed back.  
  
"SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!" Ron screamed at both of them.  
  
Ginny suddenly sat up and started whimpering. She was pointing at something behind them. They turned to see that the penguin was now ANGRY, and its tacky plastic jewelry was glowing with its rage. The penguin seemed to grow bigger and bigger.  
  
"OH NO I FORGOT, PENGUINS HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE YELL!" Hermione yelled.  
  
"THEN STOP YELLING!" Draco shouted.  
  
"Oh. Good idea." Ron said in his normal voice.  
  
The penguin stared at them imperiously for a moment, then went back to its normal size.  
  
Just then Stellar sat up, her eyes were round.  
  
"What's wrong? Why did you start freaking out like that?" Hermione asked.  
  
"I was going into a trance. The spirit of the golden monkey was speaking to me."  
  
"What did it say?" Hermione asked curiously.  
  
"It said that cereal is a nazi conspiracy, and that paper bags are useful, and that Hershey kiss wrappers should not be disregarded!"  
  
"What does that mean?" Ron asked.  
  
Hermione clapped her hands over her mouth. "In Hogwarts, A History, when someone goes into a trance and talks about cereal and paper bags and foil candy wrappers…Harry, you and Stellar must have a child to defeat Voldemort!"  
  
DUN DUN DUN…Stay Tuned.  
  
For what? I don't know. I'll figure that out when I get there. Why am I writing this? No one should read this. It's awful. 


	4. In which the author STILL does not speak...

A/N: So, anyway. Here we are. WHY AM I WRITING THIS? I'm crazy. Just read it. And review, please. Oh, don't sue me because I don't even have the crackers that I had in the first chapter. I got hungry. They were stale. Oh well. I can give you my literature book…it's pretty boring. My history book is worse. You still can't have my silly putty.  
  
Everybody stared. Then they stared some more. Then they stared again.  
  
"What?" Harry said finally.  
  
"You and Stellar must have a child to defeat Voldemort." Hermione held up a copy of "Hogwarts, a History" in defense. "It says so in here."  
  
"No!" Stellar said angrily. "I know I dress like a slut, but I am incredibly virginal! I will not go and have sex with him!"  
  
"You have to." Hermione practically snarled. "If you don't, the world will cease to exist as we know it."  
  
"I don't want to." Stellar said, crossing her arms.  
  
"Hey," Ginny said, "what does Harry think?"  
  
"Well," Harry said, "I don't want to either."  
  
"Harry!" Hermione said, surprised. "Don't you want to defeat Voldemort?"  
  
"Well of course I do. But I don't want to have sex with her!"  
  
"Voldemort killed your parents. DON'T YOU WANT REVENGE?" Hermione's eyes were wide, and her hair was starting to stand out from her head a little more then usual. Stellar gasped and stared at Harry.  
  
"Voldemort killed my parents, too!"  
  
"Wow…" Harry said, "that's really weird."  
  
Just then the door opened and a big black dog ran in.  
  
"That's my pet dog." Stellar said. "Its name is Gregory William."  
  
"Gregory William?" Harry asked.  
  
Just then the penguin thumped its foot and waved the machete threateningly because everyone had been forgetting about it.  
  
"Monkey killer." Rage muttered. The penguin's eyes seemed to grow bigger and bigger as it started walking towards him. It raised the machete. Rage's eyes flashed and the machete blew into a million bits. The penguin passed out from the surprise of it all, and it was tired.  
  
"How did you do that?" Ron asked, mouth hanging open.  
  
"I have super powers." Rage told him.  
  
"Oh." Ron said.  
  
"Oh, Rage, quit showing off." Stellar said with a wave of her hand. She turned towards Harry.  
  
"Do you like cheese?"  
  
"Cheese?" Harry asked.  
  
"Yes, cheese. This one time, at the train station earlier today, this kid walked up to me and said 'do you like cheese?' and I didn't know what to say and it was really funny."  
  
Harry laughed out loud at her wit and charm.  
  
"And then this one time, there was this flea on me, and it buried its head in my arm…"  
  
"Don't you mean a tick?" Harry asked.  
  
"Maybe." Stellar said. "I've never been good at quidditch, so I don't know."  
  
Gregory William came running over to Harry and Stellar and began sitting and looking at them.  
  
"Gregory William, what is it?" Stellar asked.  
  
"Wow…he looks like he knows what you are saying." Harry said.  
  
"Oh, he's very smart." Stellar said.  
  
"He must be." Harry said.  
  
The big black dog jumped up and down and jerked its head in a certain direction.  
  
"Oh, does your foot hurt?" Stellar asked, sitting down on the floor to look at Gregory William's foot. The dog jerked its foot away from her and started barking.  
  
Stellar looked up. Harry's eyes were wide and his mouth was hanging open.  
  
"What?" Stellar asked. She turned around, only to see…  
  
  
  
A/N: HA, another cliffy. Not really. I know I'm pathetic…SHUT UP. I don't need to hear it from you! 


	5. And the Plot Thickens...or not...

A/N: I own nothing. Except for my gel pens and my silly putty, and some stale coffee. Sometimes. Don't sue me, because all you'll get is the little plastic frog sitting on the top of my computer...even though it's not mine...just read the chapter and I apologize in advance for such an `off' piece of literature. Hehehe.  
  
Stellar looked up. Harry's eyes were wide and his mouth was hanging open.  
  
"What?" Stellar asked.   
  
She turned around, only to see the headmaster, professor Dumbledore, in bright green robes. However, over these robes, he was wearing a long grass skirt, made of fake, bright pink grass. He was strumming a ukulele happily.  
  
"Pr-professor Dumbledore?" Harry asked, jaw dropping. The penguin narrowed its eyes suspiciously and curled its nose.  
  
"I didn't know penguins had noses," Ron said in utter wonderment.  
  
Just then, at that precise second, as dramatic music blared through the non-existent speakers, a ginormous rampaging hippopotamus came crashing into their compartment! (dun dun DUNNNNN)  
  
It stopped, stomping a ginormous hippopotamus foot on the ground and spit a wad of gooey paper at Ron through its left nostril. THEN, in a poof of mauve smoke, it was GONE.  
  
"Woah." Said Harry.  
  
"Wow." Said Hermione.  
  
"Dude." Said Rage.  
  
"Weird." Said Ginny.  
  
"Bizarre." Said Hermione.  
  
"Freakish." Said Stellar.  
  
"Bark!" Said Gregory William.  
  
"Ew." Said Ron.  
  
"Well, go on Ron, read it!" Hermione said impatiently. "Maybe it'll help us figure out this mess with Stellar and Harry."  
  
Dumbledore strummed his ukulele.  
  
"Jinkies!" Stellar suddenly said.  
  
"Stellar just said Jinkies!" Ginny said excitedly. "We all know what that means!"  
  
"A clue!" Ron shouted.  
  
"Bark!" Said Gregory William.  
  
Dumbledore strummed his ukulele.  
  
"Ok, I guess I'll read it..." Ron delicately unwadded the gooey paper.  
  
Dear Ronald...of course penguins don't have noses. What is wrong with you anyway? Don't look behind you...  
  
"Ok." Ron said, wadding up the note again and wiping his hand on his shirt.  
  
Dumbledore strummed his ukulele.  
  
The penguin cradled his machete, watching them all closely.  
  
"Big Brother is watching you..." Rage muttered darkly.  
  
Stellar giggled. "You're not my big brother! And you're looking the other way!"  
  
Once again, everyone laughed uproariously as they were charmed by her quick wit. Just then, the door to the compartment slid open.  
  
"Stand back or I'll karate chop you!" Stellar shrieked.  
  
"Um...you hit me already once today..." Draco said, slipping into the compartment.  
  
"Bark!" Said Gregory William.  
  
"So, Harry, your parents were killed by Voldemort. My parents were killed by Voldemort." Stellar said slowly.  
  
"Yeah." Harry replied. "And the prophecy of the golden monkey says that you have a twin brother, and it says that I have a twin sister. Your name is Stellar Evans, mine is Harry Potter."  
  
"Oh!" Stellar threw her hands up in the air. "We'll never figure this out! It's too complicated!"  
  
"Don't give up hope!" Harry pleaded, sitting down next to her. "We can figure it all out!"  
  
Just then, the compartment door slid open. Again.  
  
"Oh, Harry, I have decided that you are the one for me!" Cho sighed dramatically, sliding through the door.  
  
"Go away Cho." Harry said coldly.  
  
"But...Harry..." cho simpered, "I love you."  
  
"Well, the charm and wit of Stellar have shown me that I DON'T NEED YOU TO LOVE ME!" Harry yelled.  
  
"Noooooooo!" Cho ran from the compartment crying.  
  
"Hehehe." Draco said, pointing and laughing.  
  
Dumbledore strummed his ukulele.  
  
"Bark!" Said Gregory William.  
  
Just THEN...  
  
I'm REALLY pathetic. Don't tell me. I already know. This chapter was a bit shorter then most, sorry about that, got limited time and I'm sick. I'm FAIRLY sure that there WILL be a next chapter, so stay tuned! 


	6. Chapter 6. Seriously.

A/N: What's up? I own none of this. Except for my hat, which will be introduced later. If you sue me, I'll tell my mommy and she'll hit you with the broom. And you can't have the broom. So that's that. *wanders away*  
  
  
  
…Nothing happened.  
  
"What?" Ron said in outrage. "Nothing happened? You leave us with a breathtaking cliffhanger and NOTHING HAPPENS?"  
  
The compartment began to shake.  
  
"Uhoh Ron, you've done it now…" Harry muttered, looking up at the ceiling.  
  
"Done what?" Ron asked.  
  
"How many times do I have to tell you not to piss off the narrator? IF YOU WOULD JUST READ 'HOGWARTS, A HISTORY' YOU WOULD KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE WHO DOES!" Hermione shrieked. The penguin sat up straighter, looking annoyed.  
  
"Sorry about the noise, penguin." Harry told it.  
  
"Penguin Monty." Stellar said mysteriously.  
  
"Do I look fat yet?" Ginny asked.  
  
"Bark!" Said Gregory William.  
  
Dumbledore strummed his ukulele.  
  
"Penguin Monty?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Yes. That is its title. The Golden Monkey told me so."  
  
Just then, there was a blinding flash of light. A girl in plaid pajama pants, a white long sleeved shirt, and a dark gray skiing hat appeared looking very annoyed.  
  
"Who are you?" Draco asked rudely.  
  
"Who am I? WHO AM I? I AM THE GUARDIAN OF LOST SOULS!"  
  
"You are?" Draco interrupted.  
  
"Er, no. I am the author. THE ALL POWERFUL AUTHOR WHO COMMANDS YOUR EVERY THOUGHT AND MOVEMENT! NOT ONLY HAVE YOU CRITICIZED ME ON MY CLIFFHANGERS, YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT THE COMPARTMENT IS SHAKING! YOU COULD ALL BE .4 SECONDS FROM DEATH AND YOU DON'T CARE!"  
  
"Oops." Ron said.  
  
"Now I'm going to let it all slide this time," the girl continued, breathing heavily, "but things will not go so smoothly next time. Watch yourself." She disappeared in a flurry of snow. The compartment stopped shaking.  
  
"Phew!" Hermione said in relief.  
  
Dumbledore continued to strum his ukulele.  
  
"MAKE HIM STOP I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Draco shrieked, falling to the floor and covering his ears.  
  
"Oh, don't be such a baby." Ginny said in disgust.  
  
"Bark!" Said Gregory William.  
  
"Wow, your dog is enormous." Ron said conversationally to Stellar.  
  
"Isn't he? Just like a Grim."  
  
"So why is his name Gregory William?" Ron asked.  
  
"Well, he looked like a serious dog. So I thought he needed a serious name."  
  
"Seriously?"  
  
"Yeah, Seriously."  
  
"Wow. Just a huge black dog with a Sirius- I mean, Serious name."  
  
"Pretty cool, isn't it?"  
  
"Seriously."  
  
"Dude, shut up already." Rage said moodily.  
  
"Whatever Rage, you're just jealous because you don't have a BIG BLACK DOG with a SERIOUS name." Stellar said, miffed.  
  
"Why would I want a SERIOUS BLACK DOG?" Rage asked rudely.  
  
"Because he's COOL."  
  
"Stellar, I think we should really work more on our mysteries about our twins…" Harry said.  
  
"Eh, not right now."  
  
"Are you willing to go get pregnant right now?" Hermione asked hopefully.  
  
"No." Stellar said, flipping her perfect hair over her shoulder.  
  
Just then, the door opened. A little kid in an orange sweater ran in.  
  
"Kenny!" Hermione squealed. "There you are!"  
  
"Who's that?" Draco asked.  
  
"This is Kenny, my little brother. Crookshanks turned into some old lady who said she used to baby-sit Harry and ran away over the summer. So this year I brought Kenny for a pet."  
  
"Um…" Everyone said.  
  
Dumbledore strummed his ukulele.  
  
There was a long silence. Everyone turned to look at Gregory William, who hadn't barked.  
  
"What the…" said Ron.  
  
"Oh my…" said Hermione.  
  
"OH NO!" shrieked Stellar.  
  
What has happened to Gregory William? What the hell is Hermione's little brother doing, hanging around? Why was the author wearing a skiing hat at 10am on a day when she's not skiing? (Because I like my hat, of course!)  
  
Stay tuned… 


	7. Captain Hook and a mysterious tub of ice...

Well, here we go again. I know it's been a long time, sorry. Anyway, picking up roughly from where we left off…  
  
Gregory William was seriously trying to open the compartment door. Stellar rushed over and slid the door open. Gregory William sat back and barked once. In walked a miniature stag with glasses markings around its eyes.  
  
"Oh, it's just Captain Hook." Stellar said with a wave of her hand.  
  
"Captain Hook?" Everyone asked.  
  
"He's Rage's pet."  
  
Everyone turned and looked at Rage. "Captain Hook?"  
  
"It was the darkest name I could think of." Rage said darkly. "Buzz off already."  
  
"So," Ron said, looking at CH, "Stellar, you have a LARGE BLACK DOG that is VERY SERIOUS, and your brother has a STAG WITH GLASSES MARKINGS AROUND THE EYES! WOW!"  
  
"What's with all the caps?" Kenny asked.  
  
"Shut up, Kenny." Everyone said.  
  
Just then, Dumbledore strummed his ukulele. Everyone jumped with surprise.  
  
"Oh, that's just headmaster Dumbledore strumming his ukulele." Stellar said. Harry and Ron were once again amazed by her clever sense of humor. They laughed hysterically until they both passed out.  
  
"Thank you JESUS!" Ginny said happily when they were both lying motionless on the floor. "I was really getting sick of them, especially Ron, fawning over Stellar. I mean, if he is going to be a father he needs to stop flirting."  
  
"That's right." Draco agreed, going to sit by her.  
  
"Draco, leave me alone." Ginny said.  
  
"But-" His protest was cut off by a warning growl from Stellar who was crouched in what looked like a painful position.  
  
"You heard her Malfoy, leave her alone before I use my superior fighting skills to kick your ass!"  
  
"Er…right." Draco stood up and edged around Stellar who twisted her head alllll the way around to watch him walk.  
  
"What the…?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Oh, that's just one of my superpowers." Stellar said, putting her head back the way it was supposed to be.  
  
"One of?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm a shape shifter as well as a sand witch."  
  
"A sandwich?" Draco asked.  
  
"Yeah, that's right." Stellar answered. "I can also raise the dead."  
  
"Wow!" Hermione said brightly.  
  
"Yeah, my youngest one went off to college just last year. I hope I raised him right."  
  
"What?" Draco asked.  
  
"It was a joke." She explained.  
  
"Oh!" He then burst out laughing and also passed out.  
  
"Fools." Rage muttered. "They need more DARKNESS in their lives."  
  
"Bark!" Said Gregory William.  
  
"Eweickmoophaba!" Said Captain Hook.  
  
Dumbledore strummed his ukulele.  
  
Ron woke up just in time to see an enormous tub of ice cream fall from the ceiling into the compartment. It landed on Kenny. Blood squirted out from under it, and several mice ran towards the bucket.  
  
"Oh my GOD!" Ron screamed.  
  
"THEY KILLED KENNY!" Ginny screamed.  
  
"You-" Hermione was cut off by a blinding flash of light. When they could all see again, there was a message written on the window in BLOOD.  
  
A/N: Actually, it was just lipstick. They're dumb, sorry, not my fault.  
  
The message read: PG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
"OH MY GOD IT MUST BE ANOTHER PART OF THE PROPHECY!!!!!!!" Stellar screamed. "PGPGPGPGPGPGPG!!"  
  
"Speaking of which, are you ready to have sex with Harry yet? He's still passed out, so he can't exactly resist." Hermione told her.  
  
"NO NO I'M AWAKE!" Harry yelled.  
  
"Damn." Hermione muttered. "So close. If only they'd read Hogwarts, A History, they'd understand the great importance of this mission."  
  
"Why does Harry get all the good missions?" Ron grumbled.  
  
Just THEN…the compartment door opened.  
  
A/N: Yes, I know this chapter was short. But as soon as this goes up, I write the next one. I don't want to bring in the new…yeah, in this chapter. Check for the new chapter SOON! Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, even the flamer. That made me laugh, I was proud to receive a flame. Even if you were too cowardly to leave a name. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot…Who (or what) is entering the compartment now? Why is there a giant tub of ice cream sitting on the floor? Why the hell was Kenny there? (Um…on the last one, I couldn't resist!) Will Draco ever wake up? (If I remember that he's passed out, sure.) Why Captain Hook? (It was the darkest thing Rage could come up with – Hook is a villain after all.) Am I done yet? (yes!) 


	8. Enter Celine, and why is that ice cream ...

A/N: See, I'm keeping my word. Because I was gone so long, you get two chapters in one day. Or, if ffn screws up (and they are so good at it) two chapters in two days. Anyway, here we go…for the eighth time…  
  
  
  
She was beautiful. Simply stunning. She had pale, flawless skin and blood red lips. Her hair was jet black and perfectly straight. It fell down her back like an ebony waterful, not a strand out of place. Her eyes were also dark, and they somehow managed to capture you in them. She was tall and thin, but she still had curves. Her robes were dark silver with royal purple linings, and their cut flattered her tall frame. She stood motionless in the doorway for a moment, then stepped forward. She walked with confidence, like a queen in her own palace.  
  
"Who are you?" Stellar asked.  
  
"I am Celine Snape."  
  
"Snape?" Draco asked, sitting up. (See, I did remember him!)  
  
"Yes. The potions teacher is my father, but I don't like him. My mother was a muggle-born Gryffindor though…I don't know anything about her other then that her name was Lily and she was head-girl."  
  
"Oh…why haven't we met you before? You don't look like a first year…"  
  
"I'm transferring here. I was being sent to school in America before this."  
  
"Oh, I understand." Ron said.  
  
"Well, I'm from America too. I'm going to Hogwarts now because I'm the heir of Gryffindor and it is safer." Stellar said.  
  
"You're the heir of Gryffindor?" Harry asked.  
  
"Yes, I didn't tell you before because the prophecy prevented it."  
  
"Then how come you told her now?"  
  
"I don't know…" Stellar's voice trailed off.  
  
"I have the power to make anyone tell the truth if I see fit." Celine's lips curved into a smile.  
  
"Well, I'm the heir of Gryffindor." Stellar said, a whine creeping into her beautiful voice.  
  
"And I am the heir of Merlin." Celine told her.  
  
"Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez!" Harry said loudly. "Is there anything I can be the heir of anymore?"  
  
"Hufflepuff." Draco told him solemnly.  
  
"No, they're stupid!" Harry yelled.  
  
"Hey!" Ginny smacked him. "I'm in love with a Hufflepuff!"  
  
"You are?" Everyone asked.  
  
"Yes. Justin."  
  
"The one in our year?" Ron asked.  
  
"Yes. We've secretly been sleeping together for years, but he always uses a condom!" Ginny put her nose in the air.  
  
"Bark!" Said Gregory William.  
  
Dumbledore strummed his ukulele.  
  
"Eweickmoophaba!" Captain Hook said loudly, feeling ignored.  
  
"Well I can change into any animal that I want to!" Stellar said loudly.  
  
"Well I can change into any human or tree or paperclip that I want to!" Celine responded.  
  
"Paperclip?" Harry asked.  
  
"Hey, Merlin was a crazy guy." This time, Hermione joined in the uproarious laughter that followed Celine's witty remark. No one passed out, however. They couldn't pass out because that would mean taking their eyes off of Celine.  
  
"Hey…" Hermione said to Stellar, "you want to be better then her, right?"  
  
"Yes…" Stellar said.  
  
"Well, if you sleep with Harry Potter, that's something she can't do! And even if she does, you did it first!"  
  
"Ok!" Stellar cried happily. "Oh HARRRYYYYYYYYYYYY…"  
  
Hermione sat back smugly as Stellar began to chase the screaming Harry around the compartment.  
  
"Bark." Said Gregory William, unconcerned.  
  
Dumbledore strummed his ukulele.  
  
"Eweickmoophaba!" Said Prongs. It sounded as though he was cheering Stellar on, almost…  
  
"What a bloody mess. And I haven't talked for almost the whole chapter! Life is unfair." Rage muttered darkly.  
  
"Now now, don't be jealous," Ginny said, stepping around the tub of ice cram and sitting down next to him. His sexy body, dark eyes, and bad- boy vocabulary immediately seduced her. He was immediately entranced by her innocence, and her curves and beauty which had SUDDENLY appeared. (Dumbledore was at this point whistling innocently, the old pervert. I'm sorry. Kaylin made me do it.)  
  
Celine stood back and watched with a patience that could only come of years of rigorous training.  
  
"Wow, you're so patient and calm…you must have undergone rigorous training as a child and young teenager." Ron noticed.  
  
"Yes, I was trained by Lucius Malfoy to be a killing machine. I know all about the dark arts." She said seriously, attracting the attention of Gregory William.  
  
"Wow, that dog really likes serious conversations. He's a very serious dog."  
  
"I noticed. Seriously." Celine responded.  
  
"Eweickmoophaba! Eweickmoophaba!" Prongs – I mean, Captain Hook yelled. He was REALLY feeling attention-deprived. And unloved.  
  
"Wow, look at the GLASSES MARKINGS around his eyes! AMAZING!" Celine said.  
  
"HELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPSOMEBODYSAVEME!!!!!!!" Harry screamed, running by once again, Stellar following him closely. Celine suddenly reached out and grabbed him by the sleeve. She pulled him close to her, looked deeply into his eyes, and…  
  
A/N: Well? Is she going to kiss him? You think so? You obviously don't know this story very well then yet. Will Stellar catch him? Will two Mary Sues affect the story? Will they kill each other? Will Captain Hook get the attention he desires? Why is that bleeping tub of ice cream still there? Is Kenny's blood going to stain the carpet? Did Draco die? Stay tuned… 


	9. the sexy sexy man in the shadowy corner ...

Right, Katameran's downstairs, so I'm taking over momentarily.In this chapter, many things will happen. Unless they don't. We will finally find out more about the prophecy. Unless we don't. Uh oh, Katameran's coming back! See ya! - Katameran's friend  
  
That word 'friend' should be changed to 'fiend', honestly. Where were we? Oh yeah, Celine was looking deeply into Harry's eyes in the train compartment that has a dead body, lots of other bodies, a dog, a miniature stag, and a giant ice cream container, and she was about to do SOMETHING.  
  
"AARRRRHGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!" Harry yelled, jumping away from her. He struggled around, trying to fix his wedgie as Celine laughed maliciously. "Harry!" Stellar squealed, throwing her arms around him. "GET AWAY FROM ME!" Harry positively bellowed, thrashing his arms wildly, knocking everyone around him onto the ground. "You -" "HermionethisisPG!" Everyone hissed at the enraged Hermione sitting on the floor. "SHUT THE F____ UP ALL OF YOU! I DON'T REALLY GIVE A D___ ABOUT THE RATING! SO WHAT IF THAT F__K___ AUTHOR GETS INTO TROUBLE! SHE'S STUPID ANYWAY!" Silence fell over the car as everyone gasped and stared in fright, waiting for the inevitable explosion of anger. But then.nothing happened. The author was talking on the phone. About Gatorade. Instead of paying attention to the writing. Which might be why this chapter sucks. "STOP MAKING SH____ EXCUSES!" Hermione screamed at the ceiling. "WE'VE ALL BEEN THROWN INTO THIS FU__IN_ HELLHOLE WHILE YOU TALK ABOUT GATORADE! WHERE DID THE PURPOSE OF LIFE GO? WILL WE EVER MAKE IT OUT OF THIS TRAIN? DID DRACO DIE?" "Hermione, shut up already because no one cares." Rage said darkly from where he sat subtly caressing Ginny. "I do believe you speak an untruth, for Hermione is cared for by at least one. That one is I. I care for Hermione." A deep voice said from the shadowy corner of the tiny sunlit train compartment. "Who - who are you?" Stellar asked, seduced by the mysterious, sexy voice. "Who am I? Most of the individuals in this car know me, but I do suppose that you, Miss Evans, would not, as you are new to the school." "We know you?" Draco asked suspiciously. "Yes." "Then who are you, you who cares so deeply?" Hermione asked breathlessly. "I am afraid, most precious one, that for now my identity must be kept secret, as we would be destroyed if we were to be found together. So I bid you adieu as I take my leave in silence." "No, wait, don't go!" Hermione cried out as her heart broke. "Oh for the love of-" Celine spoke with disgust and stamped her foot. "Dad! Come out from there!" "Oh, be quiet. I was having fun being not disgusting for once in my adult life." Professor Snape complained, stepping out from the shadows. "EW!" Stellar screamed. "BARK!" giggled Gregory William. "Gross!" cried Ron. "How awful!" yelled Harry. "Eweickmoophaba!" Stated Captain Hook Potter. "All of you shut up or I'll have you expelled." Snape growled. "Yes, that's right, all of you shut up or I'll let you fail all of your classes!" Hermione said suddenly, face flushed with emotion. "Hermione - what are you saying?" Draco asked from where he wasn't dead. "I - I'm saying that I love him. Yes. I love him. Severus Snape, I love you! I always have!" "But what about me?" Harry cried. "What?" Hermione asked. "I wasn't in love with you!" "Oh.wait.who were you in love with last?" Harry asked. "I don't remember - but it doesn't matter! I only see one!" "Hermione, that's disgusting!" Harry yelled. "Stellar, weren't you trying to screw Harry?" Hermione asked in annoyance. "oh - oh yeah! HARRY!" Stellar yelled, jumping to run after Harry. Just then the tub of ice cream exploded and Kenny's blood was hidden by mounds of cookies 'n cream. "Dinner!" Colin yelled as he happily began to eat the ice cream. "Collin! You don't know where that's been!" Hermione said crossly. "Shut up, you're not my mother!" Colin said rudely. "Yes I am!" Hermione shot back. "What?" Colin said, confused. "I don't know, The Golden Monkey is telling me to say all of these things! And it's telling me that I don't love Severus!" "GOOD!" Everyone shouted in unison. "Wait.the golden monkey died." Stellar said, fear showing in the whites of her eyes. "Wow, Stellar, your eyes are really amazing." Harry said. "Yes, they are." Stellar said. Harry stared deeply into her eye for a moment before breaking his gaze off and looking up at Hermione. "Hermione, what do you mean about the Golden Monkey?" But before Hermione could answer.  
  
A/N: Yes, the story has returned! I bet you're proud. Sorry that it's now weirder then ever.but hey, that could be a good thing, right? I hope that some of my old reviewers are still around.hasta luego all, for now I must sleep. Katameran 


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